What I wanted for my birthday.

I know that what I wanted for my birthday this year won't come true. And I didn't wish for expensive shoes or fancy trips, but for the health of my friend.

I have to learn at only 37 what to do with so much pain inside. I have to learn to transform it in something else as a larvae to a butterfly. I don't know how to do it...yet. 

In the last years I've read so many books that tell you how to accept anything that happens to you, how to embrace change as the most natural thing in the world... in front of this huge pain, I only realize I didn't actually learn anything. I thought I did. Maybe it's time to read them again.

Instead, I've learned how to pray, in my thoughts and out loud, day or night, lying down, walking or on my knees and I don't even know if my prayers were heard. I don't think so. But I am still praying. Sometimes that calms me down, but sometimes it makes me even angrier, powerless, wondering if I did everything I could for her. 

Maybe I could have been a better friend, maybe I could have disappointed her less during our friendship (we all did that sometimes, right?), maybe I could have listened to her more. Maybe. A thousands maybe, except one. I couldn't have loved her more and she couldn't have loved me more. And this is the only thing that make sense for me these days... and probably forever: love. The last voice message that I have on my cell from her is "Te iubeeeeeesc!" 

I love you too, Ailin. To the moon and back and forever, my dear friend.

So I have another wish for my birthday, hoping to come true: be happy and tell today anyone you love "Te iubesc". The last lesson learned from my friend is to cherish every single day and make the most of it.